(no subject)

[gwendolyngrey]

Misty has been a dreaful bully recently...an adorable, soft, winsome bully, but a bully nonetheless. It seems I cannot sit down to read or sew or computerize without getting a face-full of purring cat. He wants food, he wants a drink, he wants milk, he wants treats, he wants me to pay attention to him and not the glowing screen in front of me. He bites my thread as I stitch, and he steps all over the keyboard as I'm trying to type....but I can't help but love him anyway. Though lately I have taken to using "pushy beast" as a term of endearment. Speak of the devil...he wants something.....

......it was food he was after. Figures.

I tried on my doublet over the corset tonight for the first time after finishing it, and it FITS! I am incredibly relieved, but I don't see the point in taking pictures just now when Bristol is day after tomorrow. And this year I will NOT forget my tickets. I still can't believe I did that. It's one of those things you remember at three in the morning when you can't sleep and even though it was entirely inconsequential, you still want to kick yourself for being to stupid. And speaking of last year, I cannot believe how much I complained about 'all the handsewing' for my 'bethan. Seriously. I was waaay less that for the corset and doublet, but those didn't feel like a hardship...it was actually quite fun to sit and watch a bajillion movies and stitch away the day. But last summer I acted quite put upon by 'allthehemmingIamgoingtodie, oh noes!' It is rather satisfying to recognize a growth in character (or patience, in this instance) in one's self. I think it was working on large scale paintings during the last school year that gave me greater patience when creating things. I no longer felt like it has to be done quickly or it is no good, nor do I lose patience with a project after a week or two, like I did before. And after rushing to complete five huge projects at once, sitting and peacefully spending a day whipstitching or hemming doesn't seem too bad any more.

Sometimes I think LJ has done terrible things to my journaling skills, and I just realized why. Before getting my LJ, and used to always write in a real diary, and generally wrote in it  once a day. Years, ago, my sister used to always read my diary, so when I wrote I'd automatically write with her in mind as an audience. I wanted to amuse her, keep her interest...but I eventually got tired to filtering what I really felt like or wanted to say, and stashed it away where she couldn't find it, and wrote whatever I wanted. It was very liberating.
After getting LJ, I still wrote in my diary all the time, as LJ was really just for my costuming at that time, but slowly I started to write more and more about my day to day life in LJ, and then it seemed silly to write much of the same stuff in my diary. Very gradually my diary phased out, and for the past ninemonths or so, I have only used LJ. But I'm doing it again. I'm writing knowing I have an audience and am trying to please them. 

Here and now I say that it going to end.

I don't care if it's online, that's what flocking is for, and I might eventually make my journal friends only, because as of now I refuse to write to an audience. I'll say whatever I want to say, be it silly, angsty, boring, or even plain stupid. I'll even write my song parodies and snips of poetry I used to put in my diary.

It's kind of funny actually. Before what I was writing in my diary and Rebekah would read it, I used to dispair because my entries were so short and I didn't know how to make them longer...it was quite an accomplishment to fill more than one page. As soon as I stopped caring about what she thought, and squirrled the diary away from her eyes, my entries suddenly became at least two full pages, and were often more. Lately I've been noticing that my LJ entries were quiet short, and didn't know how on earth I would ever write more, and as soon as I resolve not to care about what people think, I write what's probably my longest LJ entry in the history of ever.

And I just want to warn anybody who's reached this point without rolling their eyes and skimming away, my innermost thoughts and daily life can get very dull sometimes. My life is very lacking in drama at the moment.

Sometimes I do want drama in my life. When I was younger it was my fondest wish to have an enemy. I knew in my innermost being that if I had an enemy, life would be far more exciting and fullfilling. I secretly enjoyed it when I was attacked by a member of a Charlotte Church forums I was a part of. She was intensly jealous of my art, and would post her dreadful drawings for all to see, and would get highly offened when I gave her constructive critisism. She hated being told she wasn't perfect, and said I was stuck up and pompous and would never get anywhere in life because my art wasn't being sold in galleries and my costumes weren't being used in magazines and that I was a weakling for taking art lessons because a really talented person wouldn't need any advice amidst various personal attacks. I verbally smashed her into the dust to the cheers of all the other members. She was banned after the whole debacle. But do you know what? I loved it. Every last minute of it. 

The cat is in my face again. Excuse me while I serve his royal highness-ness.
 

 

Comments

[lindseyerin37.livejournal.com]

I admire your candor. I'll keep reading. ;)

[idlewild-grey.livejournal.com]

Awwww, thanks. You know what's really dreadful? I admire it too! *snort* Actually I wouldn't be surprised if people did stop reading after a while. If you don't personally know someone, their thoughts and days often seem meaningless.

[jade-nolan.livejournal.com]

Ahhhhhhhhh, you only THINK I never found it.....................*snirck* Although by the time you came to your personal realization, I also was old enough not to really care anymore. And if you truly want to know why I used to read it, because I was envious of how you could portray yourself on a page. I still can't do that. I can relate events and write them story-like and elaborate, but only by writing them as fiction-ish can I portray what I think.

[idlewild-grey.livejournal.com]

I'll take that as a compliment then! It's just that writing a blow by blow of the day's happenings often bores me silly. I mean, I've already lived it, right? No need to go on about I did this and then that happened and then I went here and saw so and so....not that I haven't written that sort of crap in the past...it just doesn't happen very often.
You do turn your writings of the day into a type of story, and it makes day to day stuff far more interesting. I just skim it over and talk more about what I thought of what happened.

I don't think either way is better, and it would suck if we both wrote in the same style.

[padawansguide.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about LJ. I love it, but you do end up feeling like you are writing to an audience instead of yourself, which can get annoying when you're worried about posting this or that because of how people will react, and you think, but this is my LJ!

Anyway - if there are private things you want to journal, you could still use LJ and just mark them private - then there is no audience but yourself. Or friends lock or filter other posts, and keep costume stuff or whatever else public. Just a thought! :-)

In high school and college I wrote in journals all the time, but I stopped after college -not sure why really - I'd maybe write sporadically, while regretting not keeping it up. So LJ has been nice for getting me to do that again - but there is the audience problem where I don't write anything real meaningful or private. Ah well.

[idlewild-grey.livejournal.com]

That's right! I entirely forgot about the private option...I'll probably end up using it too, it I feel that flocking isn't enough. And it would be kinda fun to make my journal friends only as some point. I'd at least be able to use a nifty banner!

I guess the reason I stopped writing in my real diary, was that for every entry I made in LJ, I wouldn't write about it in my diary, and eventually I fell so far behind there seemed no point in hopping back in.