(no subject)

This is a good sort of tired.

I'm looking at a pretty silver necklace and telling myself, 'yeah, you made that, Gwendo.' and it seems really strange now to look at it, and equate it with my chipped fingernails and exhausted fingers and think that I actually turned lengths of wire into a real something. And I like it, so a big plus there. It always sucks to do a project for class, and pour your time and energy into making something you never want to look at again, but I actually want to wear ! 

I have come to the conclusion, that metals is one the of the most tiring, but most rewarding, classes I have ever had. Sometimes I really love being an art student! 

( this )

 

And then I wonder what am I besides an art student. It's not all me...I mean, I'm so much more than an art kid, but how far does it go in summing me up? I'm learning a monologue right now and the girl is trying to tell her aunt why she gave up art even though she was a child prodigy of sorts, and she mentions a moment when her hand became utterly disconnected from her mind, and her still life went all flat, and I thought...I know that. I've had so many times when I'm making stuff...painting, drawing, even sewing, and I'll suddenly see my hand as a completely foreign thing and I can't figure out no matter how hard I try how I'm doing anything. I want to know why and how it is I am an artist, what is it in my hand that lets it move and put things on paper. Why did I of all people get this ability, why can I paint instead of playing the violin or...tennis, or something? My hand isn't different from other people's. It's small, my hands are really small, but they can take things from my head and make the ideas real, and I Don't Know Why!!! And then it leads to thinking about why I am a real person, and my mind somehow realises all of a sudden that it has an actual body and I touch something and it's like I've never been in the world before, and I don't know quite what I'm doing here. It's a strange thing, being alive. Life goes dashing by, and it comes as a shock sometimes to stop and consider what it actually means to be here in the world.

Let's add salt and vinager chips to the list of things that Gwendolyn used to hate and now loves above all else. It joins baroque music and polka dots and L.M.Montgomery and marmalade.

I MISS YOU, REBEKAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and Joseph) *feels lonely*